


Royal Cookies

by Chelidona (Hobbity)



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, By which I mean they are oreos, I was asked to do this, M/M, So it is a sort of soft Romeo and Juliet in Cookieform, as in cookies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-20 15:30:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11923833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbity/pseuds/Chelidona
Summary: Fíli, Crown Prince of the West Shelf Oreos, is a good little cookie, unlike Kíli, the Crown Prince of the East who sneaks into one of the West's balls and falls for a certain Gold Oreo.I am very sorry about this, Khafushun and Straycrab made me do this.





	Royal Cookies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Khafushun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khafushun/gifts), [straycrab](https://archiveofourown.org/users/straycrab/gifts).



Once upon a time, the Oreo families had lived peacefully among each other. Or so Fíli was told. By the time he was baked, however, the Oreos were divided in two factions.

His own was led by the Golden Oreos, who were allied to, or had subdued, the plain Oreos, the double stuffed Oreos, the plain Oreo thins, the Peanut Butter Oreos and a number of minority Oreos, like the Birthday cake Oreos. They lived on the west shelf. Behind the shelf divider on the east were the others. Led by the Firework Oreo king, Thorin, whose main advisor was Balin, a thin Golden Oreo. The Golden Oreos harboured a special resentment for their cousins, who had allied with the enemy.

Fíli had always been a good Golden Oreo and he had never sullied his pristine white filling by trying to peer over the divide or even to sneak through the streets on the East, as some of the younger Oreos did. It was a happy life he led on the west shelf, his position next to his mother Dis, the queen of the West. His best friend was a plain Oreo, Ori. Ori was a shy little cookie, dominated by Dori, a double stuffed Oreo who considered himself his brother, and Nori, a thin Oreo who also, for some reason Fíli never figured out, also considered himself Ori’s brother.

***

Kíli, son of Thorin and crown prince of the East Oreos, was not quite as a good cookie as Fíli. In fact, at this precise moment when our story starts, he was in big trouble.

“She is a tart!” Thorin thundered down from his plastic throne.

“A very beautiful forest fruit poptart,” Kíli defended his current crush.

“A tart nonetheless. I will not have you sneaking towards the tart shelf anymore.”

 

Kíli sulked spectacularly for two days, sitting on a little box near the exit of the shelf, where Dwalin was just waiting to catch the royal cookie sneaking off again.

Now, just as he had composed yet another sonnet in his mind, bewailing his cruel fate, his friend Bofur, a Pumpkin Cheesecake Oreo, let himself fall down next to him.

“Still grieving over the lovely Tartiel?”

“Tauriel. Her name is Tauriel.”

Bofur laughed, rolling back and forth a little.

“I have just the plan to pull you out of your sulking, your highness.”

Kíli jostled him for the use of the title, more out of habit than a real feeling of playfulness.

“Leave me to my contemplation.”

“Ah, but my prince, contemplation was never your strong suit. Now … I happen to know there is a party tonight.” He paused for effect. “A big ball hosted by the Queen of the West.”

“The West.” Kíli said as flatly as possible. Even he had never crossed that line, even though he knew some adventurous cookies did.

“The West!” Bombur repeated gleefully. “Bombur and me will disguise ourselves as Peanut Butter Oreos, and you yourself, will go as Birthday Cake Oreo.”

“I am no rotten Birthday Cake!” Kíli protested, but was still ignored by his friend who continued:

“Gimli is going as a Chocolate Cream Oreo.”

“Great. Have fun. I am not going.”

**

Of course he was going. He met his friends near the shelf divider and was giggling a little at seeing the mega stuff Peanut Butter Oreo that was Bombur. Bombur and Bofur had used some food colouring to disguise their bright orange pumpkin cheesecake looks while Kíli was adorned with little bright dots.

These days the divider was not as heavily guarded as it used to be and the young Oreos easily sneaked over the border.

The East Oreos looked around excitedly once they made it, even though to be honest, the West Shelf was a bit of a disappointment. It looked very much like the East Shelf, just with different sorts of Oreos rolling around.

They followed the sound of the music leading them straight to the royal package, where the ball was held.

It was easy to get in, almost too easy.

 

And before Kíli knew it, he had fun with his friends, dancing around in large circles among these strange Oreos, their cookies creaking.

**

Fíli sat by his mother, welcoming guests and overseeing the festivities. That was when he heard it. The most beautiful laughter in all the shelves. It seemed to come from the other side of the dance floor. Every time this Oreo laughed, Fíli’s filling tingled. He needed to find this laughing Oreo.

Fíli was unsurprised to find it was a Birthday Cake Oreo that had this enchanting laugh. They were just always so cheerful. Summoning Ori as a reluctant wingcookie, Fíli soon approached this stranger. He did not recognize Fíli as the Crown Prince Cookie and before Ori could hint at it, the stranger, Kieran, had whisked Fíli onto the dance floor where they whirled around and around and around, until Dori, old spoilsport, came up to them and informed his prince that his royal mother desired his presence. And when Fíli looked around to apologize to Kieran, the cookie had gone.

**

Kíli hurried his friends home. They were bemused, but all agreed that they had all the fun they could have. And their fake colours were rubbing off.

Thorin caught his son sneaking in, but did not guess where he had been. He just scolded him to put this tart out of his head already.

Kíli was confused, his mind still with the Golden Oreo. Tart? What tart?

Kíli then remembered Tauriel. The beautiful poptart he had met on his strolls between the shelves.

She was beautiful, she was nice, she was clever.

But she was not Fíli, Crown Prince Cookie of the West. He was just the most perfect cookie ever baked.

Everyone worried when Prince Kíli seemed to descend even further into his gloom, not even venturing forth outside the royal package anymore.

Unbeknownst to him, Fíli in royal package of the West was also gloomy. He had a greater sense of responsibility and did not sulk in a corner, but everyone noticed that their prince’s golden cookies lost colour and that he fulfilled his duties without any of his usual spirit.

Dis, the queen, heard from Ori that a Birthday Cake Oreo had enchanted her son. If that was all, she thought to herself. Maybe Dori had indeed scared the poor cookie off, but the queen would be happy to allow her son to marry any cookie he had truly fallen for.

When all their searches for a Birthday Cake Oreo named Kieran were futile, she decided that another ball was in order to lure that cookie from its package.

**

Kíli surprised his friends when the mention of another ball on the other side lifted his spirits. They were almost reluctant to go with him, but he persuaded them at long last.

It went as smoothly as the last time, and soon they were rolling around on the dancefloor.

Kíli was not alone for long, a certain Golden Oreo had spotted him as soon as he rolled in. Although Fíli had meant to fulfill his royal duties a bit longer, his mother had seen his longing and nudged him on the dancefloor.

They were dancing together flawlessly, as if they had been baked as a set. And when Fíli rolled them out in the open air, the queen made a sign to stop anyone from following.

**

Outside, under the pale neon moon, they danced slowly around each other.

“I have looked for you, Kieran,” Fíli confessed, after they had whispered about the ball, the night, and each other’s beauty.

“Have you?” Kieran sounded almost worried. Fíli pressed on:

“My mother, the queen cookie, would like to meet you.”

“No, she would not,” Kieran mumbled, rolling away. Fíli tried to make his voice as reassuring as possible.

“She might be the queen, but you must know how kind my mother is. She would only like to meet the cookie that enchanted me. She means you no harm.”

“She does.” Kieran rolled even further away, rocking back and forth. “You see … I am not a Birthday Cake Oreo.”

“But …”

“But a Firecracker Oreo.” Kíli shook himself a little bit and Fíli saw the telltale sparkle in his filling where the disguise had fallen off.

“A … you are from …”

“I am not only from the East, I am Prince Kíli.” His voice was imploring. “I just wanted to see you again, Fíli, you are the most wonderful cookie ever baked, but I … I was foolish. I know it cannot be. I swear we are not here as spies and we mean you no harm. Just … please let us leave peacefully and we will never bother you again.”

“I …” Fíli was too stunned to do anything but nod.

He watched Kíli, followed by three other cookies, roll away quickly.

***

The next day, the most astounding message reached the East, transmitted by a chocolate frog. Dis, the Queen of the West, wanted to send her son, Prince Fíli, to start peace negotiations.

Predictably, Thorin had been so infuriated he almost squeezed out his filling. Balin, who had long grieved because of the rift between his own Thin Golden Oreos and the Golden Oreos, counselled him to take the offer. But what really persuaded Thorin was the enthusiasm his son showed for the idea. Prince Kíli, who had lacked his usual sparkle in recent weeks, was all for it.

And although Thorin could be stubborn and prideful, he had never been too proud or too stubborn when it came to is son's well-being, especially if his well-being helped him to shape up as a future king. He doubted anything would come out of the negotiations, but Kíli showing an interest in politics, that was good.

**

Three agonizingly long days went by. And then the royal delegation from the West rolled in, headed by a stuffy plain Oreo, Kíli recognized as Dori, who was followed by the radiant prince.

*** 

The engagement was announced along with the peace treaty. It had only taken six months. And while some Oreos grumbled, others cheerfully rolled the shelf divider down.

And after long deliberation, a delegation of Poptarts was invited for the wedding. Tauriel, the forest fruit poptart could not have been happier for her friend, who was a true firework on the dancefloor, shining in the light of his Golden husband.


End file.
